Saturday, 5 May 2012


We wake up. I am warm and comfortable. He cuddles me and I respond by pushing into him sleepily like a kitten.

"I want to watch porn with you. Show me what you've been watching", he says.

I stiffen. No pun intended.

Watching porn is my thing. It's my private pursuit and I don't want to share. It's just something I like to be mine.

"No. It's my thing", I say and push my face into his chest shyly.

He doesn't get it. He pushes me.
"It's my thing", I repat childishly and refuse to budge.

And in the end, he takes his laptop, and starts watching it. Without me.

I am laying there, my face on his belly.

"What is it?", I ask.

"None of your business. You didn't want to watch it, did you?", he says curtly and pushes my head down.

As he fucks my face, I can hear the soundtrack to it in the background, the sordid moaning and strangers being fucked. I am totally detached. I have left my mind and oscillating somewhere on the ceiling, watching myself.

When we are done, I jump out of the bed without looking at him. I have a shower and come back to bed.

He says nothing but clearly senses that something isn't right.

In a surprisingly gentle gesture for him, he reaches out and strokes my arm. It's a quiet intimate move, unlike him.

"You haven't fucked me today yet", I say coldly in a business-like manner. I am getting my control back one way or another.

He smiles at my insatiable insolence, and flips me over, as always, ready. And he does fuck me. Narrating the porn he has just seen. Two men, one woman. My favourite. He tells me how he will take me to a sex club and watch me being used by people.

I listen to his heavy whisper, but I don't come, I keep my my eyes closed.

Then I go and have another shower. Alone in his bathroom, something happens. I start crying. Bit fat tears roll down my face. I am sobbing, my face drenched. I never cry, you see. This takes me by surprise. I am not sure why I am crying. It just comes out of me in droves, the emotion, the feeling, the heavy heart. I am quiet and exhausted by the end of it.

I come back and he asks

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, totally. Need to go."

Then I leave. It's a warm rainy day. I walk down the road and cry again, in an involuntary bout of soppiness. And then it hits me. He pushed a boundary. My secret self.

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