Reality check

I am gallivanting in my private members club with an old lover of mine, Mr PR, who is treating me to lunch with a view of fucking me later.

Mr PR is fantastic. He is smart, extremely funny, successful and and a dominating fucker. It's cats and dogs with sex thrown in when we get together. Plus he has a big cock which he loves almost as much as he loves himself. Which is a lot.

I swoon in and he's waiting for me already. I sashay purposefully while he's taking in the view. It's a game we play.

We lunch, he's getting pissed on expensive wine while I am sipping my favourite cranberry juice and watch him. He likes sparring with me in preparation for later. Every smart arse response, anything that he perceives as an intellectual defeat on his part will be repaid to me in full, with spanking interest, when we will be alone.

I continue the the game and I am ever so good at it. I am bold, head held high, in my tight dress and sky-high heels. I cross my legs, I curve my body on the chaise-longue I decided to perch on for dessert. I am in my full feline mode seduction mode. He is recently single and there is an additional layer to his usual banter. He tells me how much he missed me when I was off the market, all loved up with The Lover. I don't respond in kind. He likes me strong and unavailable because that makes the chase more exciting. And makes him feel like he really scored, because somehow he conquers me every time, even if the arrangement is painfully clear from the start.

We decide to leave with the tacit agreement of checking into a nearest hotel and proceeding to a fucking session. I am laughing at some insider gossip he tells me, (media darling!)and push the heavy oak door open.

Still laughing uproariously, I walk straight into The Boy.

"Hey... what are you doing here?", he says and takes me in his arms. Instinctively my body just gives in, I inhale his scent and then remember. Mr PR is right behind me. He's standing there in a wary pose, pointedly waiting. I babble nervously and introduce them to each other. The Boy sweeps his hair and says 'Hey man' while Mr PR extends his arm for firm handshake.

All of the sudden, my dress, the heels, the laugh, the whole fucking 'look at me' persona of mine seems ludicrous. When I see The Boy, I am not a sex kitten. I am usually dressed in shorts and Converse, fresh-faced from hurtling around on my bike or with the puppy in tow who's chewing on my laces while we chat leisurely. 

Worlds colliding doesn't even begin to describe this. And it's not just their worlds that are just smashing into each other. It's mine. It's the old me and the new me. 

My babbling awkwardness is odd. After all, The Boy and I are not an item. I haven't even kissed him properly, let alone fucked him. 

'Hey, we were just having a meeting', I keep on wittering while The Boy looks at me searchingly. We say goodbyes and leave.

"So... how do you know him?', he asks Mr PR as casually as we walk out.

'Oh, I've known him for ages, he used to work here'

Mr PR is quiet for a moment. 

"Oh well', he says smugly. "He might have a wet dream about you tonight but it's me who's fucking you this afternoon'

I have a feeling of deja vu. This has happened before. Exactly the same situation, the same conversation in exactly the same place, with The Boy, two months ago, although back then The Boy wasn't yet The Boy, he was just the friendly face in my private members club, and the man in a suit next to me was The Lover. 

And I realise I am no longer looking at Mr PR, I am looking at The Lover. The same suit, the same dark hair, the same air of cocky superiority, the same fucking 'you are my trophy' status-anxiety ridden attitude, perfectly in sync with my act. I am no longer me. I am a fucking platinum blonde accessory. I am the 'fuck you' to the other guy.

I thought I moved on but I haven't. Here I am with a fucking hologram of what I always went for in the past and the hologram of me that used to enjoy that shit. And like with holograms, none of it is real.

I turn around. Mr PR is looking at me with a smirk, buttoning up his jacket, ready and revved up.

"Shall we?'

I decide that I may have just arrived at the same station I left from but it's time to hop on a different train. 

"Sorry, I am actually really tired so I am going to have to call it a day'

"What the fuck?", he explodes. It's a fair question.

"No, I am not tired. You know, it just doesn't feel right. And it's me, not you..", I trail off as I realise I just walked into an elephant size cliche trap.

"Oh for fuck's sake...', he starts but something in my face is telling him it's not worth it.

"You are weird, you know', he sputters. Hell hath no fury like a man with a semi-erection scorned.

"What is it with you..?", he starts again and then I notice that face on him that all public schoolboys get when they don't get their way and default the ra-ra act hasn't worked. A desolate little boy on the train platform clutching a teddy bear and saying goodbye to the Nanny. He never finishes the sentence and walks off slightly unsteady on his feet, all that expensive Merlot, and the Amaretto he downed for dessert clearly taking its toll.

I walk back in.

The Boy is there, loitering behind the bar, bantering with the grizzly yet twinkly-eyed Spanish manager.

"You're back", he beams.

"Welcome back beautiful", grins the Spaniard.

'Yes I am. The meeting is over'

The Boy smiles 'Cranberry juice, no ice, right?'

'Yes please', I plonk myself on the bench and take my heels off. And suddenly I feel like me again.